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I had been hearing a lot about this “Zumba” stuff. Supposedly, “Zumba” is the new fad that is sweeping America in fitness training. Since I am trying to get back into shape, I decided to sign myself up for a Zumba class at the Carpenters Center in Russellville.

After working all day at my office in the church (first mistake) I piled into my Hummer (which I had at the time, I no longer own it because Ellen Nealy said it was ugly so I traded it in) and I made the half mile trip over to the Carpenters Center. I have to admit I was actually looking forward to this “easy” dance exercise that would make me look like the stud that I was back in high school. When I got to the class, I was the only man there so I was a little uncomfortable to say the least.

To be perfectly honest, I looked like a flounder outta water, flopping all over the gym while just about everyone else looked like a synergized line dance. Not to mention all the women in the class looked like they just competed in the Miss America pageant; they were all gorgeous and none of them looked like they even NEEDED to exercise. I am not kidding, these ladies looked like Heather Locklear, Jenny McCarthy, Katherine Heigl, Denise Richards, Reese Witherspoon, Jane Seymour, Brook Shields, Mary Louise Parker, Jane Fonda, Ashley Judd, Marisa Tomei…. Well, you get the picture……

So I get lined up, in front of a fan, way to the side so I could kinda hide behind the other woman. I give you my word that I did not pick my position to be a spectator, rather I chose my spot because I did not want my out-of-shape self to be noticed any more than I already was. Halfway through the class, the teacher decided to swap sides and I was suddenly on the front row! Great entertainment for the people who KNOW what they are doing.

The teacher was wonderful at this dance exercise, made it look very very easy. NOT!

At least for someone who has not been athletic or in shape since he played high school football some 17 years ago. Now, I used to have the body of a greek god and I have the pictures to prove it on facebook but now I kinda look more like the pillsbury doughboy. I just wanted to crawl under a rock! So the teacher showed us what we were going to be doing and then she turned on the music. Everyone in the group begins to move together in a group dance, but me.

I am bouncing around, trying to figure out which leg goes first. I was doing my best not to trample on the life-sized Barbie that was next to me. As they go on through this dance, I am doing all I can to at least look like I was dancing and not dying from lack of oxygen which I have decided to take with me if I ever want to go back and humiliate myself anymore.

So the teacher tells us in this dance we will be turning to the right, the left and all the way around. So why did I always end up facing everyone else? CAUSE MY BRAIN FORGOT WHICH WAS RIGHT AND WHICH WAS LEFT! I think it was from the lack of oxygen! For 45 minutes, I tried to follow this pattern of dance that everyone else had the directions to EXCEPT me and I failed horribly.

The one thing I did get from this was I finally remembered which knee I probably need to tell Dr. Green, my family physician whose office is located in Guthrie, KY that he needs to take a look at. It decided to remind me LOUDLY after about 10 minutes of this. This class lasts 45 minutes and along about 20 minutes into it, I think I began to turn blue from lack of air.

After it was over, I crawled back out to my Hummer (which I no longer own because Ellen Nealy told me she thought it was ugly so I traded it in). With my window down, I could hear the conversations of some of the women as they were walking out to their cars together ; they were talking about how much fun they had and couldn’t wait til the next class. I was just wanting to breathe normally again. I laid my front seat down and cranked up the A/C wide open.

After a while, I finally was able to drive off; slowly at first, then my eyes stopped burning from all the sweat that was running into them and I could see where I was driving.

I had to stop at the local grocery store and as I dragged myself into the Piggly Wiggly, what was the first thing I saw? A huge display of Krispy Kreme donuts!!!!! The slobber started and formed a huge puddle in the floor at my feet.

Man! I LOVE KRISPY KREME DONUTS!!!!!!! Just one of these wonderful sinfully delicious donuts would KILL every bit of sweat I had just worked up and then some!!!!! I circled this display four times, talking to the good Scott on the right shoulder telling me that I didn’t really NEED these donuts and the bad Scott on my left shoulder telling me I had worked hard for the last 45 minutes and I deserved this reward.

Finally one of the employees came with a mop to mop up the drool and I had to move on. I really wanted to open just one box and lick a donut but I was taught better than this and besides you never know where they have them hidden cameras at anymore. I knew if the Pastor at the First Christian Church in Russellville got arrested at the Piggly Wiggly, that despite the fact that I am friends with Judge Sue Carol Browning, Judge Tyler Gill, Tom Noe, Martha Jane King and Whitney Westerfield that they would not have the power to stop OJ Stapleton from putting on the front page of the News Democrat a picture of me getting hauled outta the Piggly Wiggly in Handcuffs by the Russellville Police Department with Jelly Donuts stains on my face. Even though OJ and I are friends I bet he would throw me under bus just to sell a few more papers that week.

So I went on and got my big old bottle of Athletic cream and a bottle of ibuprofen and checked out. Crawled back into my Hummer (which I no longer own because Ellen Nealy told me she thought it was ugly so I traded it in) and came on home to stand in a hot shower until all the hot water ran out.

I seriously doubt that I will ever go back to the Zumba class again but I do know my presence would certainly give those other ladies in the class someone to laugh at.

God bless and go Cats!

Rev. Scott Murphy is the Pastor at the First Christian Church in Russellville.